Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets A Parody
by emopygmepuff
Summary: Technically a parody of HP2 movie. Very random stuff. I'll do my disclaimer now: I unfortunately am not JK Rowling, so I don't own these characters. But my surname is unusually like hers.
1. Playboys and Bobbie

**Chapter One - _Playboys _and Bobbie**

In Harry's bedroom. Harry is reading _Playboy_ on his bed. Hedwig is biting her cage.

Harry: Ooooh! Carmen Electra! (looks over at Hedwig) WILL YOU SHUT UP! (Uncle Vernon comes in)

Vernon: What are you shouting at, boy?

Harry: My owl.

Vernon: Oh. OOOOH! Is that _Playboy_? I didn't know you could read!

Harry: You don't have to be able to read to read _Playboy_. There are naked girls in there.

Vernon: LEMME SEE!

(15 minutes later)

Harry: FATTY BOOM-BOOM! STOP DROOLING ON PAM ANDERSON!

(Vernon wipes chin and Pamela Anderson)

Vernon: Sorry. Anyway, I came to tell you about the dinner party we're having tonight.

Harry: Am I invited?

Vernon: What do you think?

Harry: I think yes after I let you drool on Pam An!

Vernon: Well, the answer is NO! You're a freak-

Harry: So is Dudley but you don't hear me complaining.

Vernon: I am making what is possibly the most important deal of my career so keep your pointy nose out of it!

Harry: WHAT!My nose isn't pointy! (runs over to mirror and prods nose) I HAVE A POINTY NOSE!

Vernon: In your face! I don't have a pointy nose!

Harry (crying): I'd rather have a pointy nose than a flabby one. (Vernon joins Harry at mirror)

Vernon: WHAT! MY NOSE IS FLABBY!

Harry (cheering up quickly): So is your face.

Vernon: The Masons are coming at 7:30 so I want you out the way. I don't want to be embarrassed by you.

Harry: But you'd rather be embarrassed by Dudley.

Vernon: Look, I was reading Petunia's _Vogue_, and it said that skinny is out and flab is back.

Harry: Oh.

Vernon: I'll take that! (snatches _Playboy_ from Harry) I think this will help me with the "Birds and the Bees" talk with Dudley.

Harry: There aren't birds and bees in _Playboy_.

Vernon: I mean the whole sex talk.

Harry: Oh. Can I go pee?

Vernon: No.

Harry: But I'll wet myself!

Vernon: Even more of a reason to stay upstairs.

(Harry gets into a strop)

(Downstairs. The Dursleys and the Masons are at the dinning table.)

Petunia: Mrs Mason, after you've finished dinner, would you like to see my garden?

Mrs Mason: Um, Petunia, I am not a lesbian.

Petunia: I'm not a lesbian. I meant the back garden. Outside...

MrsM: Sure!

(In the garden)

Petunia: Because I'm called Petunia, i find it a ironic to have petunia's in my garden. Over here is the Strawberry patch, we love strawberries. And over here...

(Harry's room)

Harry (muttering): Stupid fat bastard won't let me piss but I'll show him. (Unzips flies) I am dying for a piss. (Opens window and relives) AH!

(Garden)

MrsM: Petunia?

Petunia: Yes, Mrs Mason?

MrsM: Is it raining?

Petunia: No.

MrsM: It's raining on me.

Petunia: I love that song! (breaks into song) _WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAAAAAAAAIN ON MEEEEEEEEEEE?_

(Harry's room)

Harry: Thank god!

(Garden)

(Mrs M looks up and gets a face full of the nice yellow body fluid)

MrsM: I'm being pissed on!

Petunia: Hey, that's not a song!

(Harry's room. Harry turns to his bed)

Harry: WTF are you?

Bobbie: I is Bobbie the house elf.

Harry: You look like E.T.

Bobbie: No, I is Bobbie. I is giving you a message, Harry Potter, sir.

Harry: What is it?

Bobbie: You cannot return to Hogwarts, Mr Potter, sir.

Harry: Is that it?

Bobbie: And also, the new edition of _Playboy_ is here. I've been stealing your mail. Sorry about the stain.

Harry (snatches letters from Bobbie): Thanks for nothing, freak of nature. Bye!

Bobbie: Promise Bobbie you will not go back to school.

Harry: I will not go to school if you promise not to steal my mail again.

Bobbie: Ok.

Harry: Ha ha! Got ya, stupid idiot! (uncrosses fingers)

Bobbie: That is the last straw. Bobbie will not regret what she is about to do. (Bobbie runs down the stairs, Harry follows her)

Harry: Bobbie, what are you doing?

Bobbie: Bobbie is sorry, Mr Potter. But you must promise not to go back to school.

Harry: I gotta go back to school!

(Bobbie magically picks up a cake and levitates it into the living room where the Masons are looking a bit wet. Bobbie clicks her fingers and the cake falls on Mrs Mason's head.)

Petunia: Oh, well. Meringue soaks up liquids well.


	2. Anglias and Global Warming

**Chapter Two Anglias and Global Warming**

(Harry's room. Vernon is on a ladder outside, putting bars on Harry's window)

Vernon: You shouldn't have urinated on Mrs Mason!

Harry: I know I shouldn't have, but you didn't let me go to the toilet.

Vernon: You have buggered up my career!

Harry: I didn't ask to be dumped here with you guys! I can't live with two obese men and an anorexic woman! It's too much for me to bear!

Vernon: You wont be able to go to school!

Harry: You don't think do you?

Vernon: What do you mean?

Harry: Well, you are locking me up in this room forever, which means that you will have a whole year, or the rest of your life, stuck with me. So if you let me go to Hogwarts, you would be rid of me for 10 months.

Vernon: I'm mean, so I can't let you be happy.

(Sound of car engine)

Vernon: Don't these bastards care about Global Warming?

(Blue Ford Anglia flies down and knocks Vernon off the ladder)

Ron: Hey, Harry!

Harry: Ron! Fred, George! What are you doing here?

Fred: The author couldn't think of anything to write until we came into the story, so she introduced us a bit earlier!

George: And we only live about 45 minutes fly away. Hop in, Harry!

Ron: I'll help you get your stuff.

(Tidying up Harry's room. Ron finds the new _Playboy_)

Ron: What's this? Ew! Harry, don't get stuff on the naked chicks!

Fred: Naked chicks? WHERE?

Harry: It wasn't me! This house elf thing called Bobbie came in and gave it to me, and the stain was on there. Bobbie was a girl.

George: EWWWWW! HE-SHE ELF!

Harry: Bobbie said she was stealing my mail. Anyway, better go.

(Put stuff into car, Ron and Harry get in)

Harry(shouting at Vernon): AND I WANT MY _PLAYBOY_ BACK!


	3. A TimeSpace Continuum?

**Chapter Three A Time/Space Continuum?**

(In car, flying along happily in the night/early morning)

Harry: How come it's night already?

Fred: I think it's the author of this parody...

Ron: Yeah, she often leaves out chunks of time to move a story along a bit. I like to use the term Time/Space Continuum.

Harry: But when we left my Uncle's house, it was the afternoon!

George: Exactly!

Harry: But-

George: We're supposed to arrive at the Burrow in the early hours of the morning. So we decided to show you how amazing the flying car is by flying round the world a few times to pass time...

Fred: ... So when we arrive at the Burrow, it will be about 6am. Get us, Harry?

Harry: No.

Ron: STOP THE CAR!

Fred,George&Harry: WHAT?

Ron: I haven't said anything for a while. I thought I'd surprise you.

Harry: Shithead.

George: I thought we'd flown past the Burrow.

Ron: Yeah, we have. About 3 times now.

Fred: Was it almost light the last time we flew past it?

Ron: Yeah.

Fred: Right. (Sharp U-turn back towards the Burrow)

George: Brace yourself, Harry. Fred isn't very good on his landings yet.

Fred: Shut up, virgin.

George: Who you calling a vir- (Fred deliberately hits turbulence)-GIN!

(lots of screaming until they make a bumpy landing. The passenger and drivers airbags blow)

Harry&Ron: (jumps out of the backseats onto the ground. Screaming) LAND!

Fred: (wrestling drivers airbag) Well, George. You have to admit that was a much better landing than usual.

George: That it was Fred. That it was...


End file.
